Tenth and Eleventh Week of Treatment - 10/26/24

Posting another update since it’s been a little while.  The last couple weeks have been busy for us, and we’ve been enjoying the beautiful fall colors here in Minnesota. I’ve done a lot of walks with my mom and friends, made it out to Stillwater, MN to visit an apple orchard, eat good food and visit the shops, and we headed to the dog park multiple times, which is a happy place for Obie and me.  I recently bought a new board game called, “Azul” that my mom and I have gotten into, and we painted some pumpkins one Saturday, thanks to my SRM work family for the supplies!  I must say, we have some pretty good painting skills on pumpkins!  While we painted some pumpkins, I cooked green chile chicken enchiladas, which I crave all the time being from New Mexico.  Thanks to my dad, he shipped up 505 NM Green Chile that we used in the recipe.  We also had a good time watching the Lions vs. Vikings play each other, since my mom is a Lions fan, and I of course love the Vikings.  The Lions pulled through with a win in a nail-biting game, and I guess I am not too upset since I root for the Lions when the Vikings are not playing them 😊

A couple weeks ago we had the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure at Mall of America, to walk and raise funds for breast cancer research.  Friends, family and coworkers joined alongside me as we walked together in my fight against breast cancer (see attached photo).  I felt so loved by all who joined, and I know many were there with me in spirit.  We heard from other’s stories, and I saw other fellow Thrivers and Survivors at the event.   Afterwards we grabbed breakfast with friends and played bingo at JJ’s Clubhouse.  It was an uplifting day with many loved ones!

The next day, Oct. 13th, was Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day.  A day to bring awareness to metastatic disease, those lives who it affects, to those lives we have lost and to take action to find a cure.  While this is noted and celebrated as one day, those of us Thrivers are living this every single day.  That evening my mom and I watched a beautiful event called “Light Up MBC” Live on YouTube, put on by Metavivor.  Many sites around the world were lit up in the MBC colors of blue, green and pink to bring awareness to MBC.  We heard from many other Thrivers across the nation who shared their stories with the world, and it was really inspiring to hear each of their journeys through this.  While it was an emotional event, it was also a positive one, as it inspired me, and am sure inspired many others.  I ended up reaching out to one of the women afterwards who shared her story, as it resonated with me.  This woman was young, single and been divorced like me, and she also wrote a book so that others going through this feel less alone.  I really saw some of myself in her and I too want to write a book someday! I ended up reaching out to thank her for sharing her story.    As most people know, I went through a divorce years ago that was hard on me, but I chose myself and my happiness.  To this day, I still yet to find my person, but would choose myself over and over again.  It takes a lot to do that and seeing that someone else had done the same thing and is going through stage 4 breast cancer without a significant other as well, made me feel less alone.  It’s hard finding women like us, and it’s not easy.  I am so thankful my mom and I tuned in that night, and thankful for new friends I can reach out to at any time. 

This past week I ended up having a phone call with 2nd MD, which offers medical second opinions with virtual online doctors who specialize in the area you need it.  Apparently, this is free as part of my health insurance benefits, and they ended up calling me as I flagged in their system as someone who might benefit from a second opinion.  Since it was free and it of course doesn’t hurt, I scheduled an appointment.  The oncologist I met with, who specializes in breast cancer, basically confirmed that my treatment plan is the best one to be on.  He did a really good job in answering my questions and explaining things to me in more detail.  He noted that once cancer enters your blood when it moves to other parts of the body, it is a disease of the body.  He also mentioned again there is no cure, however about 10-15% of HER2+ cases respond well for many, many years, suggesting deep remission.  I know the treatment for this type has advanced over the years and I believe I can be that 10-15% as well, especially since I am having an excellent response to treatment.  The biggest takeaway from this appointment was about a mastectomy.  He mentioned that having surgery would not provide much benefit, which to me makes some sense because if you get rid of my breasts, the cancer still remains in my body.  The tumor on my breast is also a good indicator for me, should it ever come back, I can feel it right away.  Not sure what the decision on this yet will be as I still need to review with my oncologist.  The plan initially was to get surgery after chemo, but if there is no benefit then why do it.   

Also, this week, I went to visit Minneapolis Integrative Medicine Center, which is a more holistic approach to medicine as they work to understand your lifestyle, diet, environment, etc., offer testing and recommendations to help you become healthier.  I decided to pursue this place to complement my conventional treatment and understand what may have been the cause of this cancer.  While I know we will never know for sure what caused this, I want some answers and actions that I can personally take that may benefit me.  In the consultation appointment, the doctor asked many questions about my health history and side effects with treatment.  The outcome of the appointment was a few recommendations on supplements and diet.  My oncologist said I should not be taking any supplements, except Vitamin D, so I will have to get the okay before I can take some of the suggestions.  There also wasn’t much additional to add for diet related, since she said I was doing all the right things with my diet which was good to hear.  The thing I was interested in the most though was additional testing.  I will end up getting an environmental test, food sensitivity test, Lipid panel, histamine test and a stool sample test.  Curious as to the results of these tests over the next month or so, and hopefully there is something to pinpoint with a solution!   I guess for me it’s peace of mind to know I am doing everything I can to continue to live, and live the healthiest life possible, even if the results come back and don’t show anything. 

As far as my treatment over the last couple weeks, I finished weeks 10 and 11 out of 18.  The appointments haven’t been too hard on me, although I am at a point where the smell of a hospital is getting to me.  The antiseptic they rub on my port, I can just smell everywhere in the hospital!  My sense of smell seems to be heightened with chemo and it makes me feel a little nauseous every now and then.  The appointments haven’t been too bad though, and I have been getting consistent lab work results where my white blood cells look normal still but red blood cells are pretty low.  No issues in getting treatment each week though, which I am so grateful for!

As far as how I’ve been feeling, I would say these last couple weeks have been some of the roughest on me.  I am starting to feel more of the effects from the treatment, as it’s cumulative, and feeling worse over time is expected.  The biggest side effects include continued brain fog, bloody noses almost every day, bleeding gums, changed taste buds and reduced appetite for some foods, low energy on the days I workout and mood changes.  Lately I’ve been having low moods and episodes where I just cry and cry.  I believe it’s the combination of the drugs and grief.  It’s interesting because you would think that after receiving such positive news a couple weeks ago with my scans that I would be in a much better headspace, but honestly, it’s been quite the opposite.  While I am incredibly grateful for the positive results of my scan, I am in a spot that is different than the previous 8 weeks.  The first two months my body was in a state of shock, denial and survival mode.  Now that it seems I am responding well to treatment and getting better, I guess my mind and body are feeling more of the effects from everything.   It’s hard to explain, but now I am in a position of living versus in a state of survival, but the living part is turned upside down.  I am grieving the person I was before, the life I had, the life I thought I’d have, and I am angry, sad and mad at the fact that I must deal with this.  I look around at others living their lives and I am so angry I must go in for treatment every week, every 3 weeks for the rest of my life. I am angry that this is my life now.  I am sad about the loss of my hair, of finding it difficult to feel beautiful again.  I am sad that I don’t have a significant other to lean on, or that I won’t ever be able to have biological children.  I am angry that my energy is not what it used to be. I am angry that I must consistently worry about what I put into my body so as to not have the cancer grow. I am confused as to how to plan my life for the future.  I am sad for my family and friends that are supporting me every day, especially my mom who is with me everyday and can see the impact this is having on me.  I never wanted cancer, no one ever wants cancer, but I was chosen for it.  To say that life is unfair is an understatement.  But I am still living, and I cannot change these circumstances I was given.  I tell myself that it’s ok to feel this way and I need to feel my feelings when I have them.  Sharing my feelings here in my CaringBridge is also healing for me.  Honestly, it’s hard for me to stay strong all the time, although I know that’s wished upon me.  With all these feelings, I am planning on seeing a therapist and doing more focused healing work ongoing.  Lastly on this topic is that I think it’s important for me to share not just the good, but the bad too.  And while the bad is never good to hear, it’s normal and it’s life.  I do deep down, still know that I am one strong woman that will get through this and find acceptance and inner peace when the time is right.  I know the positives are also right in front of me too, and I still feel them along with the negatives. 

This was a long update this time and thank you for reading, especially the hard stuff.  To end this update, I want to express my gratitude for every single person that shows up for me either by reaching out, sending me notes/gifts, spending time with me, commenting on my updates, reaching out on social media, reading my CaringBridge updates and even just thinking or praying for me.  Know that it really does mean a lot to me and goes far to make my tough days a little brighter. 

There’s a quote I love that I hold dearly and it’s “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”  and I believe that so much. 

Love, Stacy