Zanidatamab and Xeloda Treatment #5 and #6 Update - 6/8/26

Been a few weeks so wanted to share an update of what’s been going on in my world.  Lately I’ve been caught between two dimensions feeling grateful yet grieving.  Having good scan results makes me feel that I’ll have more time to live, but now it’s opened the doors for me to figure out how to live my life with such heavy grief. 

I realize I’ve been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it’s like to take time to feel all the emotions that come with grief.  I am not there yet and still learning every day.  It’s not enough, nor is it right to jump to solutions, fixing, solving, or taming down grief, as if shutting the door to a stranger that doesn’t belong.  It sits there with you as you eat breakfast, watch tv, go about your day.  It doesn’t fully always hit you, but you notice it, and it’s just waiting for you to get asked how you are really feeling to lead to one breakdown that’s hidden but needed.  A simple “stay positive” and kind words sit right on top of the grief, just wishing it could erase how I really feel inside. 

So lately I have been having a hard time.  On one hand, I should feel incredibly grateful for where I am on my journey with good scans, and I do, but on the other hand, I am having to deal with a lot mentally that most people don’t see from the outside.  Sharing this with you all leads me vulnerable but also lends me to start healing in a way that I need.  I’ve always been honest in my posts and would like to continue to be honest about my journey moving forward. 

Life isn’t fair.  I sit here and write this wishing I didn’t have cancer.  I wish my life wouldn’t be shortened. I wish I had a partner by my side through this.  I wish I didn’t continually see people getting married, having kids and building a family, all that I have always wanted.  I wish I didn’t have to deal with side effects that prevent me from fully living.  I wish I didn’t have to go in for treatment every 3 weeks and deal with anxiety every 6 weeks for my scans. I wish, I wish, I wish.  Life isn’t fair.

And here I am, still standing, still living, still experiencing life in a way that gives me meaning, and sparks joy amongst all the grief that lingers.  The hardest part for me lately has been going through this alone without a partner.  I see so many other women with stage 4 have their husbands and partners by their side and I just feel sad and lonely that I don’t have that.  What I would give to have that constant support and adventure partner. 

I’ve been trying out the dating apps but finding it challenging and sometimes it leaves me feeling worse.  When I respond that I was in treatment for cancer or that I am currently not working, I get ghosted and they don’t respond back.  I am realizing that men out there don’t want to deal with someone that has cancer, or they don’t have the maturity to deal with it.  I am better off anyways than having someone by my side that can’t handle it.  Feeling that way though doesn’t make it any easier.  It’s tough to put myself out there, but if I want a partner I must step outside my comfort zone. 

I’ve also been struggling lately with side effects from treatment, making it harder to work out.  I’ve been feeling a little weaker and more lightheaded in the gym, so haven’t been pushing myself as I used to.  I am focused more on walking and lifting as much as I can, taking it easy on days when I don’t feel I have strength or stamina.  I haven’t ran in over 5 months but try to do a 30min walk each day.  My labs continue to show low red blood cell count, which is caused by Xeloda, so I think that is contributing to my fatigue and low energy. 

Amidst all that I am struggling with lately, I know there are also bright spots.  I got to go visit my family in Michigan for my cousin’s wedding, hang out with my thriver friends, and go on a trip to Denver to see a Red Rocks concert and do some mountain biking.  I have also been snuggling my fur baby so much and Obie just brings me a ton of joy.  I am so grateful for these moments that make me continue to feel alive.  And I am grateful to be alive. 

I’ve also got some fun stuff coming up as I am going to my friend’s cabin in a couple weeks and then heading off to Spain for two weeks at the beginning of July.  I am looking forward to getting away and having another fresh perspective on life while exploring a new country. 

As far as my last couple infusions go, I just started cycle #6 of Zanidatamab and Xeloda on June 5^th. My labs continue to look ok, my liver enzymes were slightly high but nothing too concerning from the oncologist.  Treatment days end up going well but just makes for long days of driving back and forth with many appointments in between.  Nothing I can’t handle though.  I have my next scan on June 25^th so I will be sure to share an update then.

As I reflect on this post, I realize it’s not a rosy picture.  But then I also realize that a rosy picture isn’t life.  Life is messy, it’s complicated, it’s hard and it’s even harder when you have stage 4 breast cancer and are finding your way to live each day with gratitude, meaning and grief.  It’s not about erasing grief altogether but learning how to live with it and form a life around it. 

As always, thank you for reading and being a part of my journey.  I appreciate everyone in my life and I know I am never alone as I have so many people in my corner.  I love you all so much and know that I am grateful for the people in my life.  Grief is just sitting louder for me lately and that is ok.  I move forward one step at a time.  Life moves on, so do I and I know I can do it. I always do.

Love, Stacy