Fourteenth and Fifteenth Week of Treatment - 11/23/24

Sharing another update this week covering my 14th and 15th week of treatments.  Can’t believe we are now only a few weeks away from me completing chemo!  What a wild ride the last 4 months have been and been trying to soak up every day as much as I can.  Time does fly by, and in my case, it’s a conundrum of wanting chemo to come to an end yet wanting time to slow down.  I am learning, learning to internally slow down, so that every moment I have, is a quality moment.  While it's not the years in our lives, but the life in our years, that counts. 

As I get closer to the end of chemo and the start of this new chapter of treatment every three weeks, life is starting to become a little easier every day, as much as it can during this incredibly difficult time.  At the start of this all, I would have thought I’d be laying in bed most days, horribly sick, unable to get out and do things, but in fact quite the opposite has occurred, and for that I am so grateful.  I know that is not the case for some people, and my heart goes out to them.  At this point I also thought I would have lost all my hair, but my hair is stubborn and refuses to fully leave my head.  How beautiful is it that my hair also refuses to give up.  I know my body is doing all it can, and taking care of me, but I’ve been taking care of it by exercising every day and eating the healthiest I’ve ever eaten.  I can only think that makes a huge difference in how I feel.  So here I am, continuing to lean into what makes me feel good, every single day. 

A lot of the care and focus the last couple weeks has been spent on my mental and spiritual health.  I mentioned last time that I had joined this course called “Opening the Heart.”  Let me tell you, this course has been transformative for me and is the savior I need in the time I need it the most.  Just writing this post has me teared up at how grateful I am to be in the depths of something so special, so incredible, that will forever change me.  Every day there is a 30min meditation and prior to this class, I thought 30mins was quite long to be meditating.  Now I look forward to it every day and to me it feels like it’s only 5 minutes long.  Each meditation builds upon each other, going deeper into the practice with the tools we’ve learned over time.  There are also half and full day retreats which I’ve experienced both now and they were incredible.  The first retreat was a full 3 hours, which we meditated for 3 hours total, in 5 different chunks.  The whole concept is loving kindness and bringing compassion to yourself the whole time.  During this session, we repeat the loving kindness phrases over and over again, feeling the heart open.  Then we had to stick with one phrase and sit with it. I chose “May I be healthy” which in the end turned into “You will be healed” and I had such a release and breakthrough.  There is so much more detail here in the practice and it’s a lot to explain, but the short version is, my body was saying to me, we got you, you’ve done so much work and are taking care of us, we will take care of you, trust us, we will heal you, you can let go.  And after this session, I felt like I could really, no really let go. I had this weight lift off my shoulders, and now I have full complete trust that I will be healed, cancer free, and my beautiful body will take care of me.  It was incredible.  Again, I am giving you the short version, but there is so much depth to what I was and still am feeling from this day.

The next part of this course is now bringing pain and trauma into awareness, sitting with it and then bringing loving kindness to soften the part of us that feels the pain or is stuck with walls.  The other day I did a 6 hour retreat and meditation where we got to explore some of this.  There is a lot of grief I realize I’ve been holding for so long after my divorce that I didn’t realize until now and that is starting to be released.  Grief from the loss of life I thought I’d have, to giving up the dog I never said goodbye to, to losing my sense of self-worth from my ex’s affair (that I didn’t understand fully until now), to losing a family I cared for so deeply, to now not ever being able to have children and losing so much from that life event to now this cancer, among other things.  There is ton of grief sitting on my shoulders, and I see it now, I am feeling it now.  I also believe that holding pain in, or trauma that is stuck, can, in some way, lead to disease.  I say that without factual information, but it is a belief of mine.

This part of the course just started so there’s probably more to unpack, but so far I am having such big releases.  I sit there with tears coming down my face, feeling pain, so much pain and doubling down on that part of me to bring compassion and openness to that part that is struggling.  I am saying words to myself like, I see how you’re protecting me, you’re doing a great job, I know it’s tough, and it’s hard, we are here for you, we are not going anywhere, it’s ok to open, here grab my hand and come see how beautiful it is in here (as I picture my heart opening this door with radiating light).  I continue with, come sit with us and enjoy the trees, and watch the birds, and there is so much beauty and trust in here, we will take care of you, it’s so beautiful here.  When I say these things, the pain starts to soften.  The whole goal here is to feel lighter and while the pain may never fully go away, you can soften when it comes up, feel calmer and have this toolset in your pocket to use when you need it.  I can honestly say that I have never felt lighter, trusted myself, cared or loved myself more than I do right now.  There is now such a beauty within me, so many parts of me for the world to love.  While I know that this is a difficult journey with tough roads ahead, I know that in the end I will be ok no matter what. 

I honestly could go on and on about this course and feel that everyone should have the opportunity for something like this, or a part of this in their lives.  So if any of you have questions or want to know more, please ask! 

So this course has been the biggest thing going on for the me the last couple weeks, but other than that, I’ve been keeping busy and having fun when I can.  I met up with my Firefly sister Jenna for lunch, who also has MBC that had spread to her brain after she was stage 3.  We are both young and have similar interests, and so grateful I have a new friend that is walking this crazy journey with me by my side.  The people I continue to meet and connect with have been inspiring and I’m feeling loved and connected with many others around the world going through something similar. 

My mom is now back in town too, and we’ve been going to the gym together, playing bingo, puzzling and watching some new shows and movies.  It’s been nice having her here to hang out with.  My mom took me to my 15th week of treatment and thankfully we had her car because my car battery died that morning with my car parked in my garage.  Later in the day we bought a new battery, removed the old one and I learned how to install my car battery on treatment day!  Thanks to a few YouTube videos and my dad for walking me through it, I now know how to deal with the battery and who knew I would be learning that just “Straight Outta Chemo!”

The other day we went out to take some holiday photos of Obie and I.  It was snowing that day, as you can see from the picture, and while I was hoping for more snow on the ground, I am happy with the gems of pictures we took.  My head said, dang, I wish we had more hair for this moment, maybe we should hold on further and be more stubborn, huh?! Ha but alas, not much hair and my head was obviously cold.  Worth it for the pictures.  I ended up signing up to receive holiday cards of Doodles and their families from around the Minneapolis area and I will be sending also random Doodle owners holiday cards of Obie and I.  A fun thing I decided to do this holiday season. 

As far as my treatment days are concerned, those seemed to go well.  Still continue with low red blood cells and consistent white blood cells.  My best friend Kelsey took me to my 14th week of treatment and that day I also met back with Dr. Lassi.  The biggest news here is that I will not be getting a mastectomy after all, as removing my breasts will not remove what’s going on in my body.  That and I wouldn’t be able to have surgery as it’s about 4 to 6 weeks recovery, and I can’t recover AND get treatment every 3 weeks.  I am feeling ok about that, and trust that is the right decision.  I also think, welp I hope I don’t ever need surgery that would land me in the hospital for 4-6 weeks, cause this girl needs her Phesgo shot! Ha

Outside of my treatments, I had been exploring holistic options, or at least get additional testing done to see what other options I can move forward with.  I also signed up for MANY labs through Function Health, which includes 100+ biomarkers, heavy metals and nutrient test among others.  I wanted to do this along with the tests I already signed up for from Minneapolis Integrative Medicine, so that I have everything I need to figure out what’s going on in my body.  Also, the benefit of the Function Health is that the price includes follow up labs every 3-6 months to see how things are trending.  I assume that my labs might look off due to the chemo but then can test them again to see how things are improving later.  I am most curious to see if there is something off the charts that I can pinpoint and work on to improve my health outcomes.  So far I have gotten a few results back from Minneapolis Integrative medicine and the results show elevated LDL Cholesterol at 101 and Low Magnesium.  I think chemo can impact cholesterol so not too worried about that one, but again, a follow up test would be beneficial to see improvement over time.  I also got my GI Map or Stool Test back as well, and I am not a doctor, but have a heavy hand at Googling difficult to understand results.  I think the GI Map is showing some bad bacteria and viruses with some pointing to maybe something wrong with my immune system.  Again, don’t want to give details or jump to conclusions yet since I haven’t met with that doctor, but will have more answers after 12/17.  I have had a gut feeling though (ha no pun intended), that something had to be wrong with my immune system, or related to chronic inflammation in order for me to get cancer.  Some people’s systems are just more sensitive than others, and I happen to think I am that.  I mean, when I was younger, I had to get allergy shots for a few years because I was allergic to everything – fruits, vegetables, grass, pollen, pets, etc. etc.)! 

So anyways, I think the more information the better, and we can never have enough information on our bodies to make the best decisions in terms of our health and not just rely on conventional medicine to save us all, because the reality is, people are still dying from cancer.  We have to start looking at the causes and prevention overall. 

It’s funny I keep thinking, oh I will just write a quick post this time, but then I start writing and I have so much to say – I say that every time!  I also decided to get my Meal Train set back up for those that wish to bring us a meal, I do miss those meals, but more than that I miss seeing people that stop by to say hi if it works out.  Attaching my updated Meal Train calendar link below.  And just a note, I’m pretty particular with what I have been eating but the instructions in the Meal Train should have everything you need 😊 Thanks in advance!

https://mealtrain.com/zrdolo

To end this week, I want to express my gratitude to my entire support network, near and far.  I’ve been receiving your sweet cards with words of encouragement and continue feeling loved, every day.  Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving this coming week.  My dad is coming into town on Thanksgiving and we will have a nice meal with the three of us.  There is a lot we can all be thankful for, even given the circumstances.  And just a reminder to slow down, love life, but most importantly, love yourself, and everything else will fall into place.

Love, Stacy