Zanidatamab and Xeloda Treatment #7 and #8 Update - 7/21/26

Been a few weeks since my last post and just wanted to give an update. 

I am currently on cycle 8 of Zanidatamab and Xeloda, a cocktail of medication that is keeping me alive.  Can’t believe I have been on this clinical trial since February 20^th.  Time seems to go by fast but the days often linger, thankfully, as living one day at a time has become something I am trying to focus on more so now.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, unsure if I will be around two years from now.  I don’ t know what the future will hold, but I am doing everything I can to fight the hell out of this cancer, enjoy the days in front of me and try to live for the moment right now.  Because right now is all we know for sure. 

My next scan has also been on my mind a lot and taking up space that leaves me mentally exhausted.  I am sure I used Chat GPT one too many times to talk me off a ledge and calm my nerves for what’s ahead.  I know my latest scan was overall a good one, but my mind goes to thinking about those two lymph nodes in my abdomen that grew last time.  It could be inflammation, but it could also be progression and we just don’t know yet until this next scan which will be on August 6^th, which just so happens to be a day after my two year mark being diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.  I have been worrying a lot lately, and it’s so hard not to.  I worry the cancer is progressing again and I may have to go off of the trial.  I worry that my options are becoming more limited, that I am running out of time on this precious Earth and everyday I struggle to get it off my mind that I may be dying sooner if my cancer keeps progressing on whatever it is given.  I am reminded when I see other stage 4 women having progression as well, and finding out that strong, such beautiful women have passed too soon to this disease.  I fear that will be me in a couple years. 

I started a new anxiety medication at the lowest dose just over a month ago, partly because I felt emotionally flat on my last medication.  But now with my constant worry, I wonder if this medication is not the right fit or I need to go up in the dosage.  I am working back with my psychiatrist about that, but in the meantime I am trying to focus on what is right in front of me.  Today I am alive, I am well, I am safe and we don’t have answers yet.  I am learning to move forward one step at a time, and humbled with just how hard it in fact is.    Cancer has just been taking up so much of mental capacity as of late.   Oh how I wish things were different, I wish I could live for 5, 10, 20 years from now.  I wish I could take this load off my back, the lingering side effects from medication and exist in a world without cancer. 

But this is the reality.  I sit and watch people enjoy their lives, relationships being formed, families being created, joy being had as if not a care in the world.  I am letting myself feel all that has been lost and taken from cancer, while finding room to enjoy and cherish every moment.  After two years living with this disease, I am still learning how to live, how to cope with such grief and hold space for both loss and gratitude.  I am grateful, deep down for what cancer has given me, but lately it’s been overshadowed by the darkness it brings which runs deep in my veins.  I long for peace, for freedom of what is tearing me apart.  Healing isn’t linear and life is full of ups and downs.  A rollercoaster of emotions, one where I sit in the front seat awaiting my next fate of a drop, or uphill climb, only realizing that the rollercoaster doesn’t let you off. 

Lately I’ve been wrestling with a lot of emotions, but also trying to put faith and hope in the forefront.  There must be a reason I have stage 4 breast cancer.  There are also blessings in this life that I have been given because of cancer.  Cancer doesn’t define me, it is only a part of me and a part of my journey, but it’s not the end of it.  I have faith that everything will work out how it’s supposed to.  I have hope that whatever medication I am on it is going to keep the cancer at bay so I can continue living this beautiful life.  I want to continue to learn how to live with a terminal illness, I need more time. 

As I move forward, I am still celebrating the small wins too, as my blood work from my last infusion looked really good.  My red blood cell count went up slightly and my liver enzymes were in normal ranges.  The blood work looks good, but lately I have been a little more tired and needing to rest more during the day.  But rest is productive and I take it one day at a time with how I am feeling.  I am still trying to make it to the gym multiple times a week and that by itself is a win. 

I also got back a week ago from spending two weeks in Spain.  It was a wonderful trip with my best friend, her husband and his family and we met a Spain family that showed us around Spain.  We went to so many places including Barcelona, Zaragoza, Pamplona for running with the bulls, San Sebastian, Bibao, Seville, Granada and Madrid.  Lots of sightseeing, walking, food and good company.  I would walk around 20k steps a day.  My body was definitely feeling it, but had a couple hours here and there during the day to rest before more exploring. 

When I got back from Spain, I got to spend a few days with my parents as they were in town.  It was nice to come home and be with family, just enjoying each other’s company and making the most of our short time together. 

Other fun things I have been up to include joining a bags league with my best friend, buying a blow up paddleboard and spending a weekend at my friend’s cabin on a lake in northern Minnesota.  A few of us stage 4 thriver ladies got the same paddleboard as me and we are taking them out this week.  We call ourselves “Boarding Baddies.”  I just love it so much.  I love all my new friends I can do things with as we all understand and support each other through thick and thin.  I am grateful for all my new friends.    Also, In about a week I have a couple college friends who are coming to visit me.  It’s been almost 15 years since I last saw them, I am really excited to have the time together. 

As always, thank you for reading my post and following along my journey.  I know I have so many people in my corner from near and far and I am thankful for that.  I wouldn’t be where I am without the people in my life carrying me through. 

As I move forward and live the in between scans, I am reminded of how loved I truly am.  I hope I can give the love back.  Onward we move forward, one day at a time.

Love, Stacy